Personal statements

The Dickish Driver

UPDATE 02/05/2015: A brave group of youthful activists in Russia is taking dickish driving in their neighborhoods very seriously, and documenting it online. Have a look at some translated vids: https://www.youtube.com/user/Lomak1581/videos

A dickish driver’s manual must be genetically encoded into human DNA, because I see it so often these days, and it’s not just one age group, gender, or nationality. 

Let us see if we can’t parse the instructions which are instinctively followed by dickish drivers:
  1. Those yellow and white marks on the road don’t apply to you; ignore them. Road signs are optional, too. Why? Because those lines, arrows, and symbols are for novice drivers, and you leveled up past them as soon as you got your license! And you’re a dick.
  2. You are the one who gets to drive the fastest in whichever lane you’re in, because you are more important than everyone else, and a dick.
  3. You should alert drivers directly in front of you to your priorities by remaining as close to their back bumper as possible, swerving side to side because they might not see you, and you’re a dick.
  4. If a space the length of your car exists in a lane beside you, treat that lane as if it were empty, moving into without signaling, since you’re too busy to signal, and you’re a dick.
  5. Technology is more important than anything, everyone knows this. If you make yourself late to wherever you’re going due to devoting more time to your devices (computers, mobile phones, TV, video games, etc), no one can blame you for that, because you’re DEVOTED (and a dick). Just take whatever devices are mobile with you along for your race to wherever you’re going, and keep the devotion alive.

Comments invited! Can you add to this list? Please do in the comments section. If I like it (and you’re not a dick), I’ll add it to my list crediting your contribution. Someday, this may get expanded and published and become an international bestseller, leading all of us contributors to get massively rich*.
* Okay, it may not happen that way, because publishers, the reading public, and bookstore owners can be, well, you know….dicks.
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